Today should be my friend Lara’s 50th birthday, but, y’know; cancer came just over a year and a half ago and took away the opportunity for that party.
I feel full of joy for today though and my heart sings to have had someone so fabulous in my life for over 25 years. Grief is a weird one; it really tries to batter you down, like an emotional bully. And you let it push you into a corner and beat you with its sorrow, anger, confusion and heartbreak. You let it cripple you until all you feel is numb and empty and frankly, pointless.
However, life is strong, it takes us on a roller coaster journey and the beauty of it is that we have no idea where it will take us. It’s all out of our control and no matter how hard we try, we can’t control any of it so the sooner we learn to go with the flow and enjoy the adventure the sooner we can get back on the ride.
I came to a standstill exactly a year ago. I’d been letting my emotional bully get the better of me for eight months until it broke me. I couldn’t go to a teacher and tell them what was happening, I wasn’t operating under a zero tolerance bullying policy. Instead I let myself get bruised and hurt to try and let all of my pain out, it didn’t really work. What I had to do was sit down and open the wound and feel it, the same as when you fall over and cut your knee. You let it bleed and take care of it until it can heal.
I’m in such a different place to where I was a year ago when I could barely acknowledge my friend’s birthday. Today I am filled to the brim with happiness and am basking in the love that I have for her. Yes, of course it’s shit that she’s not here and we’re robbed of a party which would have been full of showtunes and disco but the greatest party is in my head and heart. Stupid cancer can’t stop that. Happy birthday beautiful!